Pride’s Head Revisited

So here’s the thing, dear Ghost, heeeere’s the pickle I’m in.

I’m having a blast with my ex, we’re doing the things we’re the absolute best at this weekend, which is riding bikes in all contexts. Pump track, jump track, BMX track. We’re having fun. We’re being generally chatty and congenial. I saw and spent time with the cat I lost in the split.

But now I live, like, 85 states away. I find myself revisiting the idea of living in New Mexico. I’m questioning my choices, and I think this good in some ways, and potentially harmful in others. There were very specific and very real reasons that this didn’t work out. As much as I love my best friend, I can’t live in the same place with him anymore, and I need to remember why.

It’s funny how, after just two days, Portland seems a world away. My new friends seem ephemeral, like a dream in the fog. Did I really go to Tucson with them? Did I really date a guy? Did I really just go for a mountain bike ride last weekend? Have I actually been falling apart for the last 7 months? It’s frightening how easily I’ve slipped back into Albuquerque and into my role in its existence. It’s so easy to drive places, I know where everything is. It’s so easy to see my BMX track family. It’s so easy to laugh and ride bikes with M.

It might also be easy to slip back into my new Portland existence. The question arises: which is healthier for me? My brain broke when I left my best friend. But I made new friends. Is my lifestyle now more in line with what I’d hoped for? In some ways, it is. In others, including my work, it is definitely not.

So what does the fallout from this visit look like? My therapist told me not to anticipate my feelings, but I’m trying to steel myself for any eventuality. I’m trying to predict any potential meltdowns. I should know better. I mean, I just wrote an entire thing about going with the flow, not fighting life, being less resistant and more accepting.

I just want to enjoy this weekend. I want to race my heart out and do my very best. I want to revel in watching M do what he loves on his BMX bike. I want to sit with M, and friends, and share food and enjoy my home track to the exclusion of everything else. I want to wallow in this kind of joy. I want to absorb it all into my being and save it in my heart battery to use in times of Portland uncertainty.

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