Oh, dear Ghost, what have I done?
Well, I’ll tell you what I’ve done. I’ve once again ensconced myself inside a little metal tube with a bunch of people who may or may not be riddled with COVID. I’ve once again deliberately put myself into a situation where an encounter with my ex is possible, in this case probable. I’ve once again put my raw, tenderized heart onto a bed of nails, waiting for someone to come along and step on it.
To be more specific, I signed up for another BMX National race, this time at my former home track in Albuquerque. I’m spending five full days in ABQ, so I can also take advantage of the pre-race practices on Wednesday and Thursday nights.
The part that smarts, Ghost, is that I’m going to see friends I’ve missed for the last seven months, and it’s inevitable that I will see M, partly because he’s very likely to race this National series, and partly because I want to see my cat Noodle, who went with Marcus in the split. So I think it will be a couple of different kinds of heartbreak.
My therapist told me not to anticipate my feelings, and I think he’s probably right. It may be that this trip back to ABQ is exactly the kind of closure I need to move forward. It may remind me why I left. I’ve said before that my perspective has shifted. My world has canted and skewed. Maybe when viewed through the lens of this trip, things will be put back on solid ground and I’ll get a grip on my reality again.
Or is it possible that things will be worse than before? It doesn’t feel that way right now, but we’ll see.
One thing my therapist did point out is that I shouldn’t fight my feelings. It’s like anything, really, that you want to get better at. If you want to be a better snowboarder, don’t fight the snow. If you want to be a better mountain biker, relax your death grip on those handlebars and let the bike do the work. If you want to get better at processing emotions, let them come as they are instead of stuffing them down. If you want to get better at life, take it as it comes, and adjust along the way.
I’m sure I’ll have much more to write in five days, when I’m in the tin disease trap on the way home. For now, I’m going to let the feelings wash over me and figure out how to deal with them as I go.