I am in love with a Song. The Song makes me uncomfortable, it makes me writhe inside. It’s all my loneliness and sadness and fear and yearning for something I can’t describe all wrapped up in two and a half minutes. I just listen and weep. The Singer is utterly inconsolable and so am I. […]

In the past few years, I’ve been increasingly sure about what to do next. I know I just had a post about lacking confidence, but this is a different. I’m definitely plagued by little everyday insecurities, but when it comes to the big decisions, I get out the big guns and just fire away. Several […]

It’s happening to me again. I didn’t think it could. I thought I was numbed, I thought I’d felt all the hurt and love the world had to offer. I thought I couldn’t be moved anymore. I thought nothing could excite me. I thought I was dead inside. I wrote a few weeks ago about […]

When last we met, I was rebelling. I naturally gravitated to people who were the absolute opposite of conformist, and I was (and still am) hopelessly attracted to the confidence of free-thinkers and makers, writers, musicians, and philosophers. This rebellion also quite naturally came with the regular use of mind-altering substances (the tamer ones for […]

My former coworker Cliff (now sadly deceased) used to call me Xtina. I always sort of liked it, mostly because I liked him so much. It wasn’t intended to make me sound edgy, rather it was Cliff thinking he was being clever by using “X” to abbreviate the “Christ” in my name, much like people […]

I’m at the end of another fun-filled, drama-infused parental visit. It actually went pretty well this time; everyone got along and was mostly civil, and I’ll take it. The alternative never bears thinking about. The high (low?) point of the trip was just after my parents came to breakfast. I don’t stay with them when […]

A long time ago, before I met him, M’s roommate committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. When M told me that he and his dad cleaned up the mess together in the days following, I was horrified. How could his dad be so cruel? Who would put their son, who had found his […]

I’ve been in my new apartment for about 23 days now. I’m getting used to being alone, sort of. I still fill my time with too many screens: work, TV, phone, and iPad. Although the iPad kind of doesn’t count because I use it to be creative, like writing these silly missives. Currently, these silly […]

Well, I have good days and bad. Last night was one of the bad ones. I couldn’t sleep. I was up at 1 am, crying into my pillow, with a bouquet of harmful narratives in my head. I was asking myself why I thought I was worthy of love. I was asking what I expected […]

I’m sitting on my couch in my living room, surrounded by half-filled boxes. My cat is milling around, climbing on the boxes, chewing the corners off, generally restless and unsure. M has moved out first, because he took possession of his apartment mid-month. Mine is not available until the end of the month. He’s made […]