Might As Well Jump

In the past few years, I’ve been increasingly sure about what to do next. I know I just had a post about lacking confidence, but this is a different. I’m definitely plagued by little everyday insecurities, but when it comes to the big decisions, I get out the big guns and just fire away.

Several years ago, I made the first one of these that I can recall. I left my job and started a new one with increased responsibilities and massively reduced oversight. Before I actually made the transition, I joked to myself that it would take me about a year before I drove to the correct office because old habits die hard. I also worried that I would miss my coworkers at my old job, who were really a good bunch of people. But none of those things happened. I never drove back to my old office by accident, or even took a wrong turn on the way to the new one. I saw my old workmates, the ones I really wanted to stay in touch with, on a pretty regular basis outside of work. I never even looked back, and beyond bringing my experience to bear on my new position, never gave much thought to my old job again.

The next big decision I made was to try BMX. Then I bought a new house. Then I quit drinking alcohol. In each case, I took the leap and never regretted my decision.

I was just as certain about leaving my relationship. I waffled for a couple of years, because it’s incredibly tough to think that 24 years might have been a waste of time. It’s really hard to admit that I might have made a bad decision all those years ago. It’s hard to feel like a failure. But in my heart I knew it was truly the end.

I wonder whether these decisions came to pass because I wished them, or because the universe presented an opportunity, or a combination of these things. Sometimes I feel like I willed them into existence. Once I made up my mind, the thing I strove toward happened. Now I’ve set my sights on exchanging a state I’ve lived in half my life for a place I’ve never spent more than a week at a time. But it feels right. I want to move on to new people, new places, new experiences. M was never going to go there or anywhere else with me. I asked.

Whether, ultimately, these decisions are the right ones isn’t really important anyway, although most have played out pretty well. I don’t even really have a point, except I guess self-actualization is a thing. I’m finally understanding why people make vision boards. It’s about making a fundamental paradigm shift in your head, and once you’ve done that you’re golden. Now if I could just get the confidence to make a total career switch that way, the rest of my life would be gravy.

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