Warning, all ye who enter here. This is some seriously sad shit.

Regarding the last post:

So, I do what I do in these situations, when life throws me an absolute pile of garbage: I write about it. I write. I write immediately, and full of feeling. And in this case I posted about it on social media, because it gets me out of my own head and I read my post over and over and I see the comments coming in from people who feel for me, and I posted it because I thought that would help. I thought all the wonderful friends and their beautiful words would help. And then I come home, and I am alone with my sweet old dog, and Winter is gone. Winter. Is. Gone. She is never coming back, and I will never pet her fluffy gray fur again, or hear her beautiful trills, or her fantastic, ever-present purr whenever I was near. I will never see her blink slowly at me the way cats do when they see someone they love. I have lost one of the great loves of my life.

It’s fucked. It’s so fucked.

It’s all I can do to hold myself together. To not fall apart and run away from everything. I miss my ex, I miss my bright and sunny home in ABQ. I miss my safety. I’m not safe. Not even a little bit. Not from myself, and not from anyone else. My life hangs by a thread.

I feel like I ruined my pets’ lives by bringing them here. I used to walk Eden in a neighborhood with beautiful yards and a little park that she loved. She used to love to go for walks. Now I have to pick her up and step over the woman nodding out on drugs in my building’s doorway so that Eden can pee on concrete. I have to almost drag her to the park blocks so she can see grass and trees. She doesn’t want to see those things, she just wants to run back to the apartment.

I know that my series of upheavals ruined Winter’s life. She was a happy cat in Albuquerque with an atrium in the sun and a vagabond boyfriend ginger cat named Cornelius, who she loved through the sliding glass door to the backyard. I’ve moved her three times in the last two years, it’s no wonder she was stressed. If she was in tune with me at all, she’s also witnessed my decline. I wonder if possibly her problem, which was stress-related, is a reflection of my dejectedness and pain. I would not be surprised to find out that it was; she was a very empathetic girl.

I’m an absolutely useless human being. I serve no purpose whatsoever. I couldn’t even extend the life of a tiny gray ball of fur. I’m so sorry for Winter. I’m so sorry for Eden, who is still living and has to contend with this mess on a daily basis. I’m so sorry for anyone who has had the misfortune to cross paths with me over the last couple of years.

I wish I could stop crying. Everything hurts so badly right now. I wish someone would literally punch me in the face, so I’d actually have some physical pain. The pain in my heart, and in my head, is something I can’t access and remedy.

I have to go to bed now. I’m so tired, and I’ve cried for more than 12 hours. I can’t see anything anymore.

And I held my cat’s head in my hands while she died.