Always a Bridesmaid

I dated a guy when I first moved to Oregon. It was absolutely amazing how quickly he realized he’d made a mistake and didn’t want to date me anymore. I dated a guy a couple of months later who made it apparent after a couple of evenings that he wasn’t interested in me, either. Tonight I had a date with a guy that lasted about two hours, at the end of which he told me he was kind of into someone else.

So the upshot is that the time in which men find me totally unacceptable is shortening. At least that wastes less of my time. Maybe the next guy will let me know within the first two minutes that I’m not pretty enough, not funny enough, not engaging enough, not sexy enough, not worth his time. That would be great, then I can get on with my life after two minutes instead of two hours, or two weeks, or two months.

I saw The Toasters last night, a band I’ve wanted to see forever. I love them. I was in the front row for most of the show, and I had a blast. The crowd and the band were so high-energy, so engaged. When the band had finished their last encore and were walking off stage, the singer bent down, gently grasped my head, and kissed me full on the lips.

And that pretty much sums it up. That’s the kind of engagement I feel like men want from me. They want to try me on for size, and then when it’s not quite what they thought, they just feel free to ditch me, move on, get cagey about their intentions, or feed me drivel about how they’re hung up on their ex. I’m so dead tired of this. I recognize that I’m the common denominator in all of these interactions, so I wonder what I’m doing wrong? My intent is to be 100% myself. I guess that’s not what these people want, but I don’t know how to be anyone else, so what’s fundamentally wrong with my personality that they immediately shy away?

I’ve been told by one guy “you’re so strong”, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment, though to this day I don’t know whether he was referring to my mental fortitude, my physical musculature, or my personality. It could be any of those things. I’ve been pretty tough in the last couple of years. I work out a ton, and I’m not a small girl. I’m also a little “extra” to many people. All of those things are true.

If you perceive my strength, mental, physical, or personal, as some kind of liability, hinderance, or turnoff, I am 100 percent NOT YOUR GIRL. I’m just learning to feel my strength. I’m just scraping the tip of the iceberg of my fortitude. This shit is only going to get stronger. My advice to you? Man up. Be the man who can respect and love the strong woman. Be the guy who encourages her temerity instead of her subservience. Be the boy who wants your girl to be the best.

I’m super angry about last night’s date. I’m irritated and angry. If this guy changes his mind and decides he wants to see me again, it’s going to be a solid NO. I’m not anyone’s backup plan. I’m not second in line. I’m not going to be there if this other thing doesn’t work out for him. It also makes me wonder about dating again, I mean, I’m a one-person-at-a-time kind of girl, but it seems like dudes are definitely not. I mean, how would I know? I would have had no inkling that he was seeing someone else if he hadn’t volunteered the information.

Speaking of which, does she know he went on a date with me? And if not, how fucked is that? I mean, if he’s really into this woman, why is he still test-driving other models?

In the words of Inara from Firefly: I wish you both hundreds of fat children. Fuck off. Seriously, fuck right the fuck off.

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