So I tried online dating.

That is to say, I got a dating app and looked at a bunch of people and messaged with two.

Christ. What a fucking bunch of shit. What a creeping cesspool of all the dregs of humanity. I literally hated myself while I was messaging.

If one more guy is “looking for a fantastic gal with a sense of humor”, I will fucking off myself. Or if he FUCKING plays golf and calls himself “active”. Or FUCKING likes tacos. OR FUCKING LIVES IN A VAN IN HIS FRIEND’S DRIVEWAY. FUCK ALL OF YOU.

The thing is, I’m sure there are really nice guys on the apps. I’m sure that a really nice match for me might be in there. But I’m also sure I’ll never know who they are. All I know is that if you spell “desert” like “dessert”, I will never ever swipe right. If you show yourself being hugged by blondes with big tits, I will never swipe right. If you show yourself on a hike and you have a massive beer gut, I will not swipe right. FUCK your lies.

The other OTHER thing that is on there is men who are “in town”. I see guys on there who “were interested but have left your area”. WTF is that? Why would you be traveling and in my area and on Bumble, unless you just want a quick fuck? UGH. Get off my app, you make me want to crawl out of my skin and burn it.

DOES YOUR FUCKING WIFE KNOW ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BUMBLE ACCOUNT?

I think the beginning of this whole meeting people thing is the hardest to crack. I go to bars some evenings and write, but no one wants to talk to an woman who’s by herself. I get it. She’s creepy. You don’t know what’s up with her. I know that the right way to meet someone is to know someone who knows someone and you meet that person incidentally and become friends.

If I want to keep my self respect, if I want to believe that there are still good men in the world, if I want to believe in the possibility of something other than a quick hook up, if I want to preserve my conviction that I am worth finding, and wooing, and waiting for, then I have to immediately delete my dating site account.

I’m impatient to meet people because I’m lonely. The men on dating apps are impatient for a hookup. And generally I think that means someone much younger than me. That’s it. That is all. Jesus, I have NOT become that goddamned desperate. It’s no wonder my dating friends can’t find someone good. Don’t date these people!

I just deleted my account and took the app off my phone. I immediately feel cleaner. What a shitty sham, a corroded cross-section, a sorry group of people stuck like hairs in a shower drain.

Take care of yourselves, dear Ghost readers. If it feels so fucking wrong, don’t do it.