As I near the close of my third year in Portland, I’ve been doing a little reflection.

Have you ever had a run of bad luck, Ghost?

Maybe you have. Or maybe you don’t believe in luck? I was always pretty sure I didn’t believe in luck. I always believed that we make our own circumstances, or if you prefer, your own luck.

That being said, I’m starting to think I’ve had a run of bad luck. There have been a series of events that have happened since I moved to Portland that are largely, though probably not totally, beyond my control. While I may have had a part to play in terms of some of the decisions I’ve made, I haven’t set myself up for the worst possible scenario in any of these incidents, and yet it seems to me that I’ve been the recipient of more than my fair share of shitstorm in most cases. In more than one situation, I was actually trying to do something nice for someone and it backfired.

Hindsight is always 20/20, “they” say. In my case, it’s myopic. I dwell on these occurrences, these things that have befallen me, for way too long. I mull them over, turn them over in my mind, turn them into endless thought loops until I make myself stressed and sick. I can play the game of “blame the victim” all day long with myself if I so choose. But it turns out “they” also say that bad things happen to good people, and no good deed goes unpunished. I hate all of these turns of phrase because they neglect nuance and context, but I’m starting to see how they came to be in existence.

Since I moved here three years ago, my car was stolen and destroyed, my cat died, I lost two friends (one of whom turned on me so fast I couldn’t even tell you exactly why), a woman committed suicide in my apartment building (far more her bad luck than mine, but it affected me deeply), I was accused of stalking my neighbors, my dating pool here has been shallow and full of poisonous toads, my one date in the last year was with a felon of the worst kind, and I was recently bitten by a large dog.

It really sucks that the only way I can get someone to hold my hand is by going to the ER to have my arm patched up post-dog bite. 1/10 would not recommend. Am I considering doing it again? Maaaaaayybe.

Oh, hey, my dark sense of humor is back. 🙂

I would say that I’m discouraged about this new place I call home, but the place doesn’t have much to do with anything. I recognize that I’m the common denominator here. Believe me, I’m the first to blame myself when something goes wrong.

It just feels like I’ve experienced more conflict here in three years than in the preceding 25. These three years have also been fraught with undercurrents of fear, general depressed mood, and loss of motivation, so I guess I really feel like I’ve been repeatedly kicked when I was already down. Throw in a healthy dose of menopausal symptoms, and I’ve simply stopped trying to get back up.

All I really want to know is how to make it stop. How do I make bad luck go away? Do I lock myself away in my apartment to avoid setting myself up for failure? Do I stop going out of my way to help a neighbor because their dog might tear the shit out of my arm? Do I continue to avoid getting a car and exploring my new world because I’m afraid it will be stolen and violated again?

“They” also say that karma is a bitch. I know that’s a misuse of the word karma, for starters, but I understand that the intent of that phrase is to convey that people who do bad things to other people will get their comeuppance, or some such thing. If that’s truly the case, I will never know if it happened, so that’s convenient for the coiner of said phrase.

I stopped going to therapy for a while because it was costing me too much out-of-pocket, but I think I need to start that up again. Refocusing intention and having someone parrot back the positive things in my life can do a world of good.

I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I understand the purpose of ritual as a means to set intent and frame mindset. Maybe it’s time to revisit the rituals. Maybe Samhain is a good time to start. Maybe some ritual cleansing is needed here. Maybe it won’t change the course of events, but it could never hurt, and it if helps me set a new tone of positivity, maybe that’s a good thing.