Oh, Ghost, I hope I’m doing the right thing.

I’m adopting…no, correction, I have adopted a kitten.

Her foster name is Bounty (her brother is Brawny – the Napkin Twins). She is 7 weeks old right now. I can’t have her for another 9 days because she’s not yet two pounds in weight, which is the minimum threshold for her spay surgery, and she can’t come home to me until the surgery is complete.

I am so deeply excited. I can’t wait to hold this little ball of fur and exchange soul greetings with her. I want to slow blink my way into her heart. I want to learn her likes, and then do them all the time. I want to learn her dislikes so that I know to never, ever do them. I want to know every single thing about her. I want her to inconvenience me and take up all of my spare time. I want her to take up space, and I want to give her all the expanse she needs.

I am still grappling with the demons who have plagued me since Winter’s death, who tell me I’m unfit to be owned by a cat, and who threaten to pull the rug out from under this occasion and kill my joy. I still go through the thought loop where I chew on all the reasoning and ultimately swallow the decision to end her life over and over again. The volume on that thought loop has turned down a bit now, but it’s still there. I want very badly to think that Winter would want me to have this little sister of hers.

Most of all, I hope that wherever Winter is, she has forgiven me. I miss her beautiful gray face every single day. Her little bed is still on the bookshelf in the sunshine with her ashes. It’s right by the front door so I see it every time I leave my apartment or come home.

One critical step toward healing might be to put those things away now. As I’ve mentioned in a past post, Winter has one more trip to make, back to Albuquerque to be with her dogs under a tree in a very special place. Until then, it might be time for her to rest quietly in my spare bedroom closet.

See what I mean, Ghost? Joy thievery. I can’t seem to allow myself the excitement of this event without remembering what happened to Winter. It’s like I have to do penance in order to deserve to add this new little life to mine.

Deeeeeeep breath.

Looking forward, now. I have so much to do! I have to kitten-proof and 100% sanitize my bathroom this week, since that’s where she’ll be staying while she heals from her surgery. I just spent $250 on supplies for my new baby. It feels wrong to give her Winter’s things, so we’re starting over, except for the water bowl, which has watered all five of the cats I’ve owned over the last 3 decades. It’s also important that this baby is part of a legacy of love.

I have had at least one cat and one dog for the better part of my adult life. She will complete our little family. I can’t wait to include her in my existence, and I feel so lucky that she is coming home.

Her foster name is Bounty. We’ll see what her real name is when she sees fit to tell me. ❤